CN: Mentions of Anxiety, mental health.
Spring is always a busy time for me. Mainly because my birthday is in April, which in the past few years has meant thinking about what I’m going to ‘be’. It was my 21st a few weeks ago, which was pretty crazy, and I didn’t really get a chance to think about what that means until now. I still don’t really have a lot of free time (dissertation due in 8 days lol) but I’m coming to terms with the idea of being an adult…
Not that I feel grown up at all. Even when I’m doing ‘grown up’ things like paying bills, travelling alone and booking my own doctor’s appointments, I feel like an imposter trying to act like I know what I’m doing. Like a dog wearing clothes. I guess I always thought that there was a moment where you just instantly became an adult, and knew what to do? Instead I’m noticing its more like a process of becoming. Looking back I am definitely a lot more mature than I was this time last year. And I’ve still got a long way to go. Some adult things are still hard for me including; job applications, serious phone calls, crossing the road, being responsible for things generally, the list goes on. (Mainly because I have anxiety and seemingly normal things stress me out).
Right now though, I’m just trying to focus on being. I find it easy to get trapped in thinking about what I’ve been through, what I still need to work on, what’s changed, and forget to think about what’s happening. That doesn’t mean ignoring the past or the future. It just means that in stressful/busy/exciting times I find it much more manageable to live in the present. Obviously there are future decisions that need to be made, and I’m not trying to aggressively ignore the past. Personally, thinking backwards or forwards in time too much can often make me feel dissociative and weird. This is something I’m working to cope with and luckily I have people to support me.
Another big help has been mindfulness meditation, which aims to focus your mind and body on the present. This has helped a lot with my sleeping pattern and general stress levels. I even get weekly emails from the free meditation class I go to which have inspirational quotes at the end!
I ended up talking about things I haven’t mentioned before in this post, like mental health, but it’s really helped to get it out. This was meant to be an uplifting post, so I’ll attach a nice picture of some tulips and a quote from my meditation tutor.
“Real generosity toward the future lies in giving all to the present” – Albert Camus
Yours upliftingly, A xxx